Know thy self

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It’s been such a long time since I’ve posted anything on this blog, but I’m trying to get better.  Yesterday I went to a seminar with my coworkers.  I learned a lot more about myself in just a few hours than I ever expected.  We did a personality test which opened my eyes and helped me put a “why” to a lot of things I was always a little self-conscious about.

I’m a Warrior Romantic:

-Warrior (most prominent trait)

  • dominant and intense
  • I value results
  • I want the bottom line; no need for unnecessary details
  • I’m impatient and decisive
  • I’m logical and direct
  • I aggressively strive to get my needs met
  • independent
  • I don’t take a lot of crap
  • I’m often mistaken to be angry when I’m not

-Romantic (secondary trait)

  • value relationships
  • personable and loyal
  • I keep promises and have a genuine smile
  • I need appreciation and an outlet to vent

- I seek improving quality, not increasing quantity

- I don’t chase.  If I make an offer and you decline or ‘need time to think about it’.  The ball is in your court and I will not make a move until you’ve made your own.

- I’m either on or off.  Therefore, I need sufficient time to myself to decompress and recharge.

- My time is very valuable to me, I give you what I’ve promised and me wanting to spend ‘quality time’ with you is a HUGE indication of how much you mean to me.

- Honesty comes first.  I will never intentionally try to hurt feelings, but I will not exchange that for my own personal honesty.

- I’m all in or I’m all out, and I seek the same for others.  There is not lukewarm or walk the line with me.

So what did I learn this weekend, I’m a tough cookie.  I know I have value, but not to everyone.  I understand why I seem to end up in jobs that are heavily focused on the customer. It’s because I really do love people and helping them, but the problem is that it’s mixed with a lot of tough love.  If I don’t have the freedom to love you and express myself sincerely, then I’m miserable.  Hmm… A lot to think about.

 

What writing does for me

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*I would like to warn anyone reading this that I’m about to get very very geeky over words… not specific words, all words.  You’ve been warned.*

Every once in a while I just fall in love with writing all over again.  Not due to any particular event, but for some reason I’m just overwhelmed by this deep appreciation for words and all that they’ve done for me personally and for humanity as a whole.  Our communication has a lot to do with body language which is a continuous, instinctual act, but let’s not discount the wonder of words.

The fact that I can string together a bunch of words that reflects the intangible thoughts running through my mind or the seemingly tangible emotions that I encounter every single day.  The thoughts and the emotions can overwhelm me, even when I’m trying to express them verbally it just doesn’t seem to come out the way I ‘feel’ them.

However,  giving those a lasting existence by placing them on paper or seeing them on a screen just feel right.  It feels intentional and logical, even if they’re anything but.  Writing has given me organization and stability to the mind I’m blessed with, but sometimes goes too fast for me to keep up.  Writing slows me down, and gives me the opportunity, the time to try to understand what exactly is going on up there in this brain I’m walking through life with.

Hear me speak and you may get a comprehensive understanding of what I intend to express.  Read what I write and it’s hard to miss it.  As cheesy as it may seem, thoughts and ideas are like butterflies that I get to marvel only for a short period of time before they disappear as they fly away.  Words and writing is the net by which I am able to hang on to them just a little bit longer.  The chance to absorb instead of just observe.

I thank God for the ability and appreciation for words and writing alike.

 

 

Life down here

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So today had (has) been a phenomenal day up until I heard the news that someone I knew had taken their life.  The person wasn’t particularly close to me, but it’s always heartbreaking when someone takes their own life.  It makes it all the more real when you know them even in the least.

It’s always a great to be elevated to this cloud 9 experience, but we can’t get stuck up there.  It’s so easy to get so ‘high’ on life that you refuse to come down and face reality.

Yes, life is beautiful in all its glory, good, bad, terrific, terrible.  But it’s painful and not everyone wakes up everyday excited about what lies ahead.  How selfish I would be to use the things I’m able to experience by escaping and abandoning the millions of hurting people who have given me the opportunity to be in their lives.

So I guess this is just a little venting about how precious life is and how lucky we are to be able to make this journey just a little better for one person.  Take a vacation from cloud 9 to share the joy with some who haven’t been in there is so long.

 

My non-negotiables

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I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m single and I am a Christian, but I had an idea today that kind of works for anybody and so I thought I’d share.  I know a lot of us have heard of the idea of making a list of this that are wanted and/or necessary and the things that we will not accept in a potential mate, buuuuut I’ve never heard of making a list of things we ourselves wanting/needing to be and things we will not be.  I think it’s great to have a clear head about what you do and don’t want in someone else, but it’s funny because while making my list I was a bit more lenient.  ”My husband will be patient, kind, assertive, etc.” but for me? “I want to be patient, kind, supportive, etc.” NOPE!  If I’m going to be that stern with what I want, I need to be fair and be just as stern in what I will be.

I will be:

  • his biggest supporter and partner
  • patient and understanding in his weaknesses
  • flexible and open to things outside my comfort zone
  • consulting God as our marriage counselor
  • assertive and confident in what I know to be right
  • a woman before I’m a lady or a girl
  • stable and dependable through every situation
  • honest and communicative
  • putting him 2nd only to God
  • committed to grow with our relationship
  • follow him wherever God takes us

I will not:

  • play the boss
  • contribute to doubt and insecurities
  • go along with what the crowd says
  • be a yes (wo)man
  • combative and childish in disagreements
  • selfish and scared to change
  • expect him or our relationship to be out of a fairytale
  • slow us down
  • make him pay for the mistakes of others
  • treat him as anything but a man of God

Of course this is going to look different for every person and you can bet I have a list for him, but he’s not the only one who’ll have to step up in the relationship.  I’m working so I’m worth stepping up for.

 

What Now?

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By now, I think just about everyone has heard the news of the tragedy in Connecticut.  Around this time, many people (still care, but) have pushed the news aside in their minds, not necessarily out of selfishness, but out of inability to make sense of the emotions that have been unearth.  We/They have become numb to the sad reality that this is the world we live in just so we can function another day.

For me the shock has started to subside and I’m falling back into a place where I was never called to feel comfortable in.  Of course for this one I had to go into some serious prayer because I just couldn’t comprehend it.  There’s really no way for us to make sense of situations like this, but there’s always something to take away.  I wanted to share with you all what God’s shown me through this.

*I just want to make it clear that I’m not trying to make light of the situation in any way.  I just feel that with so many lives and opportunities lost (in this situation as well as numerous others in recent past) it would be a shame to let those all go in vain.*

  1. Many of us feel helpless a lot, especially in a time like this.  Well, as horrible as this is, it’s proof that one person can make quite an impact.  This person made one choice that changed the lives of A LOT of people.  Who’s to say that another person making a good choice can’t make just as much of an impact on others?
  2. What if those of us who want a better world were willing to be just as bold as those who are doing the opposite.  I’m using the word ‘bold’ in a much different way than brave.  What was done was not brave, but it wasn’t something that was easy either.  I mean, he was prepared to die for his decision.  As devastating as that decision was, it’s the truth.  Why can’t we be just as committed to our decisions to make the best of what we have left?
  3. As hard as it is, now is the time to love, not hate.  Hate is what gets us into these situations.  They didn’t come from love!  It’s easier said than done, absolutely, but until we are ready to put in the work it takes, we will keep getting the same results.

It’s all in God’s hands and no matter how close we are to God, we will never have all the answers.  You must seek him for that, but as much as I believe prayer has supernatural power in our reality, action goes a long way.  So I send up a prayer for healing and direction for those family in this time, then, in the same prayer, I ask God how he’d like to use me to see those prayers manifested in lives. I hope this hurts us all.  The more we run from pain and suffering, the faster it catches up on us.

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Leashed

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I never realized how unruly my mind was until I was trying to train it to do ‘right’.  I’d heard several times about our mental “default mode“. It’s typically described as where our mind wanders when we aren’t directing it.  I guess it’s where your thoughts typically drift when you daydream or you simply  ’check out’ out of reality for a few seconds (or hours).  It’s not something that I really thought about until I started trying to break deceivingly destructive thought patterns.  I won’t go into detail, but my mind is a  mischievous little thing.  I know I’ve got quite some work ahead of me trying to hook my thoughts back in before they gallivant off into oblivion.  It’s not like my default mode is anything bad by society’s standards, but based on how I want to live my life and shape my thinking, my current thoughts are unacceptable.

The worst is right before I go to sleep.  I’m the type of person who enjoys getting lost in my thoughts, so (in a non-creepy way) I’ve created my own escape for whenever I just want to let go.  I don’t know if you’ve ever really thought about it, but it’s really hard to be in control of your thoughts all the time.  It’s very exhausting and if I’m being completely honest (which I am), it’s really kind of annoying.

Daydreaming is my mental version of taking a nap on a floatie in the pool.  You know, when you don’t have to worry about floating out to sea because you’re in a contained safe area.  Well, since I’d opened my mind up to anything that satisfied me at the time, it was like I was floating away to sea at times.  I’m now faced with the task of creating boundaries so that in the future I can let go without worrying about where my thoughts will take me.  Until then, I can’t afford to let go of the leash.